Free To Pivot

I had all but abandoned this blog. Life took a few ups, downs, and sharp turns in the past year. I look back at my previous posts and it is almost hard to picture myself back there, even though it wasn’t that long ago.

I am no longer selling real estate. I don’t have much explanation besides, I did not like it. It was exhausting working hours and hours only to pray and hope we would make it to the closing table. I think there are some people who are built for the tough sales life, then there are people like me who get anxiety and loss of sleep. So I retired my license.
I was looking to reset my priorities. I wanted more time with my kids. They are getting older, and I started seeing the seriousness of focusing on the people they are becoming. That is always important, but I felt a deeper concern and need to focus on raising them instead of focusing on a career.
I took a little assistant job at their school. The pay was basically nothing, but I would be on their schedule. That is what I wanted. To be involved, home for Christmas break and summers. Perfect, so I thought.

I look back now, and I see how it was completely God that allowed me to experience that job, and experience being in their school. This is not to completely bash the public school system, but I would not know what I know if I had not worked there. My eyes were opened to the abuse teachers go through, the anxiety these young kids have, and how nothing is operating how it used to. I was spoken to like a dog by kids I was trying to help, but the administration could do nothing. My daughter was punished for trying, while kids who have done no work were rewarded. I will leave it at that. Details are not necessary because the point is not how awful it was, but rather, God allowed me to see with my own eyes so I could take the step He wanted me to take.
For the past few years, I have been so focused on my career and trying to build something of value, that I ignored my kids when they were having a hard time at school. I told them key principles like “be a good friend, listen to your teacher, be respectful, be kind…”. But I didn’t truly understand their mental and emotional struggles until I was there for myself and saw with my own eyes.

Side note: God knows us so well, better than we know ourselves. He knows I am the type of person who has to experience things for myself to know for a fact it is not the path or the way. Had I not been in my kids’ school and experienced first hand the downfalls of the system, the struggles of my kids, I would not have made the bold choice I recently made.

I quit the assisting job, and I pulled my daughter from public school to be homeschooled. My meeting with the principal went better than expected. I intended to finish out the year, but some things happened, and I felt this pull to not return after Christmas break. I basically gave her a couple days notice before break. I felt awful. I just knew she would be upset with me. I truly believe that because I listened to that “pull”, I was not met with anger, but with favor and grace. The principal smiled at me, told me she completely understood, to do what is best for my kids and my family. She all but said “DO IT!” I was blown away. I finished out the week, ordered my daughter’s books, and got her all set to begin the second semester at home.
It took some prayer and thinking, but I decided to let my two youngest finish out the year at public school. They are young and are both having a good year. My daughter has struggled the most, so I think this will be a very key and important time for just the two of us together. I do plan to homeschool all three next year.

If I were an outsider looking in, I would think I was unstable haha. The total pivots and shifts in my career, my priorities, choices, I look all over the place. Truthfully, I went through a short period of thinking this about myself. I felt embarrassed. I look around and most moms have it together. They are consistent in their choice. They work and keep at it, or they stay home and have no intent to work. I am a trial and error person. However, God’s grace is the most beautiful and overwhelming gift we could ever hope for. He comforted my heart and met me in ways I never expected over this. He gave me a new found confidence in Him rather than what people may think.

Who really cares anyways?

His direction is far more important than what people think. My obedience to His gentle nudges is greatly more rewarding than doing things for the approval of others. We are FREE to try and fail. We are FREE to get up again, seek God’s plan, and completely change directions. How wonderful is that? We are FREE to pivot.

My hope and prayer for this year is grow closer to the Lord and hear His voice and direction more clearly. I want to grow closer with my children, and help them grow closer to the Lord. I want my family to be open to anything God has in store for us. I want us to be content with simple living and being unpopular. And honestly, I want to eventually get back to living in the country and have some chickens and a garden again ;).

Happy 2022! It is a new year, and despite a pandemic, God can do absolutely anything. Be open to change, be open to correction, and be open to new seasons.

🙂

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Stress, Wine, and Jesus.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out the best way to write this post. On one hand, I want to push/encourage. On the other, I’m terrified of being judged. However, I feel like it is something to share, so here I go.

Since being quarantined, stress greets me daily. Not only does it greet me, it likes to hang out for a while. In my previous post, I shared that I have been working on changing my perspective, which changes my attitude. And it definitely helps. Before I was changing my perspective though, I was going to a glass or two of wine. The kids would stress me out, I would pour a glass to “chill”. It became a daily habit without me even noticing.

Here’s where I want to address the people who will judge/be offended. I am not saying a glass of wine is wrong. I am not saying alcohol is the devil. What I am saying is this: relying daily on it to relieve stress is not healthy.

Continuing on.

I was having probably three glasses a night, every night. April 11th at 2:50am I was suddenly awake. I felt convicted. I felt God speaking to me, even in my tired state in the middle of the night.

“You cannot influence when you are influenced.”

*Big humble pill ready for Candice*

The biggest thing I am thankful for in my life is conviction. I would rather be convicted lovingly by God, than numb. I am so grateful that He still guides, teaches, and is oh so patient with me. I hope I never know what it is like to not have Him kindly instruct me.

3am, lying in bed, I repented. I do not want to rely on anything other than Jesus for my peace. I do not want to seek out something to take the edge off on the daily. Why? Because those things we rely on, become habits. Wine had become a habit. I would justify it in every way possible.
“I’m not getting wasted.”
“I’m still working my job, and being responsible.”
“Jesus turned water into wine. So.”
You name it, I thought it. And again, I’m not saying wine is wrong. Relying on it…. is.

Since that night, I have had no alcohol. The first couple days, I was an emotional mess and I could not figure out why. I wanted to cry about everything. Here’s the thing: alcohol is a masker. It masks things we don’t want to deal with. I could not figure out what I was masking, until it hit me in my very sober face.
STRESS.
I didn’t want to deal with the stress of my kids. The fighting, whining, complaining, etc. I just didn’t want to deal with it. I realized, I was neglecting actually raising my children *one more big humble pill*. Instead of tackling the stressful moments with listening, instructing, and helping them learn to be good, decent people… I was having wine and sending them to their rooms. I still send them to their rooms, but now it is with a discussion of right and wrong. I discipline with a prayer, helping them understand WHY we don’t act like that, and how we should treat each other.
I have only been a week with no alcohol, and I can assure you, I feel all the feels. I am aware when I am angry, when I am stressed, when I am happy, sad, confused, all the emotions. BUT, I now look at why I feel those things. What stresses me? What can I do instead of pouring a relaxing glass of wine? I have taken away my “go to” for stress and replaced it with new habits. Spending more time with Jesus, working out from home (Amazon Prime has some awesome workouts), stretching, reading. I procrastinate less. I’m much more aware of my children’s feelings and where they are at mentally.
I am not here just to keep them alive and meet their basic needs. I am here to make sure they grow up to be people who love the Lord, who are kind, compassionate, giving, and good little people. That is our job as parents.
I am in no way a perfect mom. I have snapped and yelled at my kids more times than I care to admit. But, I am a mom who always wants to be better. Each day is a new day. A new day to do better. A day where His mercy is new every single morning. And for that, I am beyond thankful.

Perhaps this is too early in my blog to be so vulnerable, but maybe it isn’t. I’m sure there is someone (hopefully) that can relate.

“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible–and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” Ephesians 5:13

“Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” John 3:20-21

Is there something that you rely on for stress? Is there stuff that is kept hidden from friends or family that makes you feel shame/guilty? We are not meant to carry shame. We are meant to live in the Light. I love these verses that let us know, ANYTHING we bring into the Light, turns to Light. God can use the Light. How encouraging is that?! He loves for us to come to Him with all our dirty stuff, no matter how big or small, and not only help us, but use it for His good.

Good is good. He loves you. He hears you. And like a good Father, He will always help you 🙂

To moms: knock it off.

Today I am working from my bed. I decided to try Tae Bo after years of not, and my already old knee ain’t havin’ it. I can hear beads hit and scatter all over the kitchen floor. My kids are on a new bracelet-making-kick.
I have heard the back door open and shut around 50 times in the last hour. That is surprisingly an accurate number.

I know they are digging into their Easter candy and eating an unholy amount. The sugar crash should hit in about an hour.

It was just announced that school is cancelled for the remainder of the school year. My kids are thrilled. I am not. Not because I don’t love being with my kids, but because I am expected to work a full time job, keep my kids alive, entertain them or teach them or whatever, clean up, cook, all at the same time. It is a lot. I’m not superwoman. She probably couldn’t even handle all of that.
Which brings me to my next point…..
Something I have noticed on social media more than normal lately: mom shaming.
I have been a stay at home mom, a working mom, a homeschool mom, a send my kids to public school mom, a tired mom, sad mom, happy mom, I HAVE BEEN ALL OF IT.

To the stay at home moms: Stop making comments like “It’s sad to see parents complaining about being home with their kids. I do it everyday.” We get it. We aren’t complaining about being with our kids. We are overwhelmed because we also have bosses with expectations and jobs we have to do along with parenting. So please. Cut the crap. I know staying home is a full time job, I have been there. It is the most overworked, non paying, under appreciated job there is. I 100% respect SAHMs. Have the same respect for working moms. Not everyone has the ability to stay home and not work. You are blessed. Some people do not want to stay home with their kids. They are better parents because they work. That is okay too. So be nice to people who do not have the same life as you.

To the working moms: Stop looking down on the SAHMs. There is no being “better” because we work. We work because we have to, or we want to. They want to stay home. Good for them. They are not paid, and they do not get a break. Especially now in quarantine. Maybe the gym was the “me time”, or even a trip to Walmart with no kids. That is now taken away from them. So be nice. As much women empowerment I see all over the internet, it is sad to see the amount of mom shaming.

Bottom line: Being a mom is hard, guys. There are days where I don’t even get dressed, I cry a lot, and I let my kids snack all day. Then there are days where I workout, make lunch and clean up, do activities, do the laundry like a boss, and snuggle my littles. There are days where I have to discipline, I have to teach them right and wrong and it is hard. There are days I have to take electronics away to show there are consequences for their actions. There are days they are sick and I am up all night with no sleep taking care of them. Being a mom is hard. But we are all here, trying our best. We do what we can because we love them. We love their sticky fingers, dirty faces, and blooming personalities. That is the one thing we all have in common. We love our kids.

So, to all moms: Be nice. Be kind. Also, I salute you all. Keep being a great mom. They notice, even if you don’t always get a thank you. 🙂